Friday, May 30, 2008

"The Red" Barron West

"The Red" Barron West is a pure shooter who hits daggers from the perimeter. Just the sight of Barron open around the perimeter strikes fear into his opponents. With a range that extends to Nevada, Barron regularily rips the net with his swishes.

Barron is a smothering defender who steals more than Bonnie and Clyde combined. His lightning-fast reflexes jab the ball away from those he guards and shuts down his opponents. Barron also can regularily make passes around his back and between legs of opponents for assists.

Despite being a hockey player, Barron flies to the rack as if he has been playing basketball his entire life. They call him "The Red Barron" because once, according to legend, he made a pass so amazing it caused all who witnessed it to bleed from the eyes. And never see again.

Points: 10,629
Rebounds: 9,891
Assists: 17,925
3-Pointers: 5,781

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

CJ "King Charles" Damaske

CJ Damaske, or "the king of bling" as he's known in Japan, is the most feared competitor this side of the Mississippi. He intimidates opponents with behemoth swats, finishing with his trademark flex and shouts of "King Charles!" Little known is that CJ is actually 1.8% black, allowing him to soar for titanic slams.

CJ balls night and day, heat wave or tornado, rain or snow. The only thing that can stop CJ from balling is his most loved lady, Jackie Damaske--AKA, "Mom." His best move is the floater, which he uses to elude Dylan Rogowski's blocks. CJ is also good for at least one injury timeout every game.

CJ is a complete player, with a range that extends into California and also includes throwing down Alley-Oops. He has perfected the dunk in which he passes the ball to himself off the wall.

Injury Timeouts--1,498

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Baller Profile: Dylan "TN2" Rogowski

Dylan "TN2" Rogowski, is the Beast of the East, dominating the Jefferson paint. Without even leaving the ground, Rogowski can have monsterous slams over the likes of Jake Bradway and Mike Wolner. His high-flying dunks and alley-oops are one of a kind.

Rogowski is an unstoppable force on defense. Averaging 13 blocks per game, and as Chris "Pancakes" Pankonien can attest to, if you try to score on Rogowski down-low, you will get your ship swatted. Rogowski's size alone can intimidate an opponent, and Rogowski regularily can force CJ Damaske to miss with just a strong gaze.

Although Rogowski thinks he can shoot 3's as well as Luke McGowan, he can't. His weakness is his tendency for the 3-ball, and when he's not hitting from deep, it can hurt his team. However, Rogowski is unstoppable to the rack, regularly causing car accidents on the nearby Wisconsin Street from motorists distracted by the aerial display.


Baller Profile: Luke McGowan

Luke "TN" McGowan is the best of the midwest on a 9-foot hoop. Luke wows audiences angers opponents with net ripping 3-Pointers and rim-rattling dunks. Luke once made 7-straight contested 3-Pointers in a single game, when, according to legend, the ball actually lit on fire. Luke's only weakness is his girlfriend Lauren, who is the only one who can stop him from balling.

Luke's best partner is Dylan "TN2" Rogowski, although in truth, it doesn't matter who he balls with--he wins games. His signature dunk is the nut-cup, because during the dunk, his opponents' chin becomes his nut-cup. He has been the Jefferson Slam Dunk and 3-Point Champion for 5 years running. Even the amazing Alex Culy can't shoot like Luke on a 9-foot hoop.

On the real court, Luke is a consistent shooter from NBA-range. He once made an NBA-Distance 3-pointer with a hand in his face to send a game to Double-Overtime--where he took over and won, of course.

Career Totals: